I visit some military base in Fort Worth a few weeks ago and for some mysterious reason, everything seemed familiar to me.
I realized that I was there on a school field trip in the past.
And there I was.. standing in the same spot where I had stood 5 years ago.. that same spot in which, I could vaguely see the ghost of the guy I was trying to inconspicuously follow a long time ago.
It was haunting experience.
Just thinking about those memories put me in a daze and sent me staggering.
I couldn’t believe that I could still feel the intensity of my emotions in THAT same spot. And I remembered that girl I used to be. Hellbent on getting the guy that I wanted. And each time I failed–I tried even harder the next time. I started thinking, does that girl still exist inside of me? Had she been sleeping dormant waiting for the perfect moment to remind me?
..Since that moment, I haven’t been the same.
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IN THE PAST: I’ve always found that the best way to get over a person is falling for someone who’s completely different. It’s a horrible remedy–but it’s something that’s always worked for me.
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“My Last and Final Chase.”
PAST:
“There he sat onstage with the spotlight on him,
looking in my direction. Sometimes I wondered if
he could see me. Sometimes I wondered if he
could feel me. When he was up
there, my heart would always race when he’d face
me. I felt weightless. It made me happy to see
him there.. And when he wasn’t, I felt this deep
sadness overwhelm me.
Even when I got a schedule change,
I ran into him EVERYWHERE.
And..maybe I did intentionally go to where
I knew he would be..once… …or twice.
Sometimes if I had a stressful day and I wished he were there,
he’d appear–as if the universe or something told him that
just the sight of him,
would make me happy..
(A year later.)
They won an award. I stayed after to talk to
him–to tell him to get to know me because I was
crushing on him. I got all dressed up..
But I couldn’t find him anywhere.
I was outside enjoying the breeze
I leaned against the pillar thinking of how proud I was of them-
–and especially him.
I was just about to give up searching, but then
I looked up and saw a figure of a guy in a suit
laying down on a bench, all alone, looking up at
the moon in night sky above.. And I could feel
something pulling me in that direction.. I still
wasn’t sure it was him. But I FELT IT.
I was so nervous he’d think I was being a stalker..
so I
stayed in the darkness, all alone, behind a
pillar muttering to myself about how foolish I
was being. I stayed there hovering a while.
It wasn’t until when he got up, that I realized
it WAS him. And I knew I wasted that one moment
–I just let it pass me by.”
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I blamed myself for ruining my golden opportunity.
But at the same time, I’m really glad I messed up.
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PRESENT:
Now that I think back..
Honestly, I don’t know what I wanted from him. Like I said, I’ve never let any guy get close to me and I doubt I would’ve changed that time. I think I was truly desperate to have a reason to wake up every morning. Falling in love with the illusion. And it was a sad version of me that I’m not proud of.
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I am NOT the same person I once was.
“Now” me is embarrased of “Old” me.
“Now” me is like the bigger sister who picks on “Old” me who didn’t have a backbone to stand up for herself.
“Old” me let people walk all over her and came back for more.
“Now” me will walk away from situation she doesn’t want to be in and stay away.
“Now” me doesn’t believe in love at first sight anymore.
“Now” me is not as gullible.
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Sure, a guy would be nice. But… I don’t know.
There’s that.. “But.” And maybe there’ll always be one.
“But, I like my freedom.”
“But, it’s a waste of time right now.”
“But, now that I truly think about it, I really can’t picture myself with anyone..”
Funny thing is, whenever I feel like giving up on the idea of love altogether, my mind plays tricks on me telling me not to.. .. .. As if it makes my life any easier.
My mind is a contradiction.
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I finally figured out that the reason why I always hold on to the guys I crush on..
It’s because 80% of the time, after they’ve met me, they end up finding that other girl they were meant to be with.
I guess I just hold on loosely until they’re happy with somebody else.
I think subconciously I NEVER expected to be with any of them.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to..but..
It’s just something I’ve gotten used to.
If you’re single for so long, you’re bound to get used to it.
I used to think, “Maybe in a city of 2 million people, I’d finally run into my destiny on the street someday and-”
..aw well, who knows? It was just a stupid pipedream anyway.. The odds of that happening are slim, especially since I’m practically a hermit.
I’m tired of chasing after guys when deep down I already know how it’s gonna end.
Staying with them in my thoughts until I find the next one.
I’m tired of being that sad and pathetic lady-in-waiting.
And now that I finally feel awake, I think I’ve stopped reaching for the moon.
If my luck somehow changes, maybe the moon’ll start reaching for me.
